Don't Forget to Turn!

I don’t fancy myself as a brilliant person, but I do think I’m as smart as the next woman. That assumption was seriously challenged this morning when I went with Chappy to the tanning salon for my first spray tan in at least seven years. Amalia’s wedding is in two weeks, and I’ve been told by my friends that my pasty-white skin will not do for a spaghetti-strap gown!

We ran into Amber at the salon and after a brief ‘how-to’, I went into the room and stripped down. You step into this open tube that has vertically-moving nozzles that provide the tanning spray. I stepped into the chamber and immediately started to freak about A) being stark naked; B) how to turn the machine on; C) worrying whether anyone was watching me on a video feed; D) figuring out where and how to stand; and E) WORRYING WHETHER ANYONE WAS WATCHING ME ON VIDEO!!!

I could not for the life of me figure out how to turn the blasted machine on, when I suddenly hear this soothing voice say, “Prepare for position #1.” Crap! What is Position #1????

Before I could figure out what to do, the nozzles begin moving up, spraying me on my front. I froze and tried to remember to breathe.

When it finished the first pass up my body, the voice said, “Prepare for position #2.” Again, what the hell is position #2? And here we go again, the nozzles float down and again spray my front. I’m now slowly figuring this out – while still freaking out that someone is watching me – when I hear the voice, “Prepare for Position #3”. I slightly move my arms and legs just in time for the nozzles to travel up my body, spraying my front.

It’s in the middle of this “Position #3” that I realize, ”Holy crap, I haven’t been sprayed on my sides or back yet." CRAP! And then that blasted voice, “Prepare for your final spray.”

Apparently, you’re supposed to have one spray pass your front, one on your right side, one on your back, and a final pass on your left side. I had THREE passes on my face!!!

I jumped out of the tube and immediately started to freak. I looked like my name could have been Jasmine or Shanekqua! My face was so dark and my back…..nothing! Holy Moses! I felt like Ross from Friends - failure to turn results in blackface!What a ridiculous experience! I immediately called Amber and she doubled over. I could hear Chappy in the background saying, “She didn’t turn?!?! What, is she stupid???”

Uhmmm…yes, apparently I am.
Here is the result of my “tan” 6 hours later at the Brad Paisley concert. Nice and toasty brown!